7.22.02 3:05 AM

YOU'D BE SURPRISED AT THE HATRED BETWEEN VANILLA COKE AND BLACK CHERRY SODA. IT'S UGLY.

Pic O' The Day: I wanted to update, but didn't really have anything to throw up here. I consulted my "Webpages For Dummies" book, and the opening line for chapter 7 was the old classic, "When in doubt, show Nixon. Preferably bowling, and the less casual he's dressed the better." Where I'd be without that book, who knows. Probably sleeping right now.

Fashion News: Yeah, it's a rarity here at SC.com when fashion is mentioned. My loyalty to slacks/t-shirt/overshirt/hat/sandals leaves me in the backseat of the fashion train when it comes to critiquing the way others dress, but there's some violations even I have to blow the 'hideous whistle' on. Recently, I've been blowing a lot. Yeah, I said it. Snicker to yourself, I'll give you time. Okay, let's continue. Ladies, and I know I've mentioned this to one or two of you...what's with these monstrosities?

(Props to Crystal for finding a good pic...she sure did seem to pull up a link awfully fast...)
What the hell are these things about? First of all, I can't help but begin to conjure up ideas on how one goes about keeping the unfaded parts so damn blue while wearing out the faded parts so much. Construction? Sitting around all day with a belt sander on their thighs? Do they play a lot of legslap music? Are they cowgirls? I'd suspect they're up to something sexual, but I can't imagine girls who wear jeans like that get much lovin'. In addition, what would you have to do to make your jeans fade up by the babyhole, or down past the knee? Surely there'd be some scarring on other parts of the body as a result. I suppose this could be caused by an old-fashioned Texas Pickup Dragging, but again, no scarring or noticeable marks. Therefore, the question must be asked, why is it that people are seeing these jeans, and having conscious, relevant thoughts that are something along the lines of, "ooh, I like how almost the whole pant leg, even the inside, all the way down the back of the calf, and up the front, is COMPLETELY faded. That's a great look I should really consider making a monetary transaction with a trained salesperson for, so I can obtain a pair of pants similar to that"? Seriously, gals, I know not all of you are irrational fashion zombies, and can see through the ludicrous (ROLL OUT!) appearance of these jeans. I'm sure you have one or two idiot friends, who listen to No Doubt a lot, and think American Idol is a "great show to watch," that would wear a pair of pants like these and brag about how they were bought on sale for "only $36 at Urban Gap Structure Outpoststrom's." Ladies, it's your responsibility to do two things. First, find out what's appealing to the weaker members of your sex about pants like these, and second, to berate them for their choice in clothing and steal their pants. If they're attractive, make sure to film it, as two girls wrestling, with one trying to take the other's pants off, is really hot. As usual, when a clothing style is exaggerated by 13 year old Mexican girls, you know the trend has officially jumped the shark. I've been seeing girls around the neighborhood (with my telescope) wearing these fade jeans, but they're pretty much entirely faded, except for these lines of non-fade going from the waist to the bottom. Makes what's in the picture up there quite tame in comparison. I have a wicked fade in one pair of pants I own, but that's just because they're really old and I worked that fade in. I earned that damn fade. Lastly, I'd like to take this moment to say that the last good fade, and one I wouldn't mind seeing make a comeback, would be the haircut fade, popularized by Kid 'n' Play in the late 80s/early 90s. A nice tall brick fro, maybe a word or a number shaved into the fade, possibly even some cool lines. For aerodynamics, of course.

Local News: The lineup for Street Scene was supposed to be announced at midnight on July 22. To any educated person, that means July 22 at 12:00 AM. Apparently, to the webmaster of the Street Scene site, that means July 23 at 12:00 AM. He must use a different calendar than I do, or he's just a moron who has difficulty handling time and probably gets really confused when we have to turn back our clocks. I'm sure he's got maps and flowcharts on his bedroom wall, and has post-it notes on his bathroom mirror to remind him what to do. Then he still somehow ends up 45 minutes late to work the first day after the change. I assume the webmaster is a 'he,' simply because, well, women are good with time. And because they're bad at computering. Yeah, that's what it's called. Computering.

More Local News: Speaking of what women are bad and good at, pops' girlfriend Sharon made baked ziti tonight, and it was good.

Carbonated Beverage News:

Dear Vanilla Coke,

At first, when I heard about you, I was worried. I thought, how could Coke create you, after being so successful with their main product? You'd become the partner Ponch had before John Baker on CHiPs, the Cousin Oliver on the Brady Bunch, and the Louie Anderson to the Ray Combs, who was the Ray Combs to the Richard Dawson on Family Feud. A second fiddle. A Jazzy Jeff to the Fresh Prince. You get the idea. Anyway, I was concerned for your wellbeing. I didn't want to see you four years from now asking for "money for smokes" outside the Salvation Army downtown, battling for beg space with Crystal Pepsi, your aborted older brother Coke II, and every type of Tab, Fanta, and Safeway Select. Fanta bites, you'd have to be careful. Not to mention your Vanilla/Cola mix would draw protests from all those cola racists you hear about on Fox News.

However, the other day, I requested you be purchased by pops, as I couldn't help but be the least bit curious as to how you would taste. After a few sips, all my fears were assuaged, as your smooth Vanilla skin guided your silky Cola innards down the hatch, leaving me wanting more and more after each sip.

You're a welcome addition to my soda arsenal, and I look forward to years of joyous caffeine goodness from your bottles.

A satisfied beverage consumer,

Brad Raistrick

P.S. Do you mix well with dark rum?

I'm out. Ted Williams sucks, and is still dead. And still frozen. I win.

-b!

Now Playing: Queens Of The Stone Age - God

Quote Of The Day:
(Heard outside Cafe Crema on Saturday night. James, a regular at that place if there ever was one, is talking to one of his friends, who happens not to have a left hand. I wouldn't have found this as funny as I did, had the guy without the hand not been cracking up as well. Hell, I probably would have, but I have no class.)
guy: (after an attractive girl walks by) "Damn, I'd fuck that"
james: "Yeah, you'd stumpfuck her...'ride the post, baby! ride the post!'"

7.09.02 4:32 AM

I'M A MINDLESS DRONE WHO NEEDS TO WATCH TELEVISION TO FIGURE OUT MY LIFE, HELP, DR. PHIL!

Pic O' The Day: As usual, the Sidewalk Crusaders couldn't go more than 365 days without burning the American flag. For all you VFW hardasses out there, we were actually performing our patriotic duty. See, the napkins were American flags, and if you know anything about the flag, you'd know that any flag dirty or tattered must be burned. After yet another 4th of July Indian leg wrestling match that turned bloody and violent, a few napkins were called in to clean up the damage. Immediately after, into the fire! Noting this Pulitzeresque photo opportunity, I pulled out the ol' DSC-S50 to get a shot. Unfortunately, my camera decided to get all Toby Keith on my ass, and not take a photo of a burning flag. The napkin went up quicker than a 99-cent store, and we were forced to throw a clean napkin into the fire for the reshoot. Feel free to organize your city's SC Boycott in the comments box, which you'll find now at the end of each update. No more emailing us for a comment, say something that everyone in the world can see, all 20 visitors.

Local News: Doing our part in the War on Terra, the Sidewalk Crusaders and their associates joined up for another rousing 4th of July BBQ. The menu was as follows:

Carne Asada
Pollo Asada
Burgers
Hot Dogs
"Hamburger" snack cakes (thin mints, frosting, and nilla wafer-type things)
Chips/Guacamole

The party was highlighted, however, by a wicked good salsa purchased by yours truly. Everyone was just standing around, minding their own business, much like a 6th grade dance (or what I assume those exercises in hormonal fidgeting were made up of), when the salsa was de-lidded (new word #1). People flocked to the bowl of flavorful goodness, and the chatting began. Thanh and Adam even slow danced, but I wasn't supposed to talk about that. Adam, when I get my $20, that line is deleted! Maybe. Probably not. The dark cloud of terrorism hung over the 4th, however, but our party was determined to stay vigilant, and on the lookout for any ne'er-do-wells (FrontPage corrected that last word for me, impressive) that strolled through the neighborhood looking for a patriotic party to bust up with their anti-American rhetoric. Fortunately, someone like that showed up, his name was Michael. We let him in, because he said he had a cool name. And who's to argue with that? It's totally awesome, man! I could go on for, say, 45 minutes, on this topic - but I won't. Michael, hailing from the vile country of GERMANY, challenged us to round after round of patriotic pool. See, when we play pool each July 4th, we like to make it more entertaining by becoming a state. Only rules are that you can't be the country of your ancestry, and you can't be the US. Because, honestly, that's just boring. Toby Keith can be the US...he would, that tard. Anyway. I defend GLORIOUS CHINA, Andrew takes on the swarthy nation of SWITZERLAND (or TAIWAN, apparently his nationalization papers came through at the end of the day, go figure), Thanh assumes the role of Japan, Brian abstains from playing, for fear he just might go batty and wreck us all, and lastly, Adam hails from the grand country of NEUTRAL UNITED NATIONS OBSERVER (you should hear their anthem, it's really something). Country after country attacked the oncoming Germany, and like an episode of Sliders (one of the first two seasons, after that I think they just had a bunch of 13 year olds coming up with plots), it was like some fucked up WWII playing out right in front of my very eyes. On a patio. Germany slaughtered China after China put the eight ball in accidentally. China was about to overthrow itself, but instead just got a chip, some dip, a grape soda, and sat down. Germany then took on Japan, and disposed of it like a "GO USA!" banner on July 5th. China was ready for more, but again fell to a refined and well-chalked opponent in the Deutschland. Somewhere in here China had to go cut up the carne and pollo asada, prepared masterfully as usual by Dre. Japan came over to pick freshly cut pieces off the chopping board, much like it mooches off the PRC in present day. The political overtones were fascinating! Well, to me, they were. Shut up. After repeatedly fending off attacks, Germany seemed to get tired of playing pool. Stamina, the weakness was found! After a few more games, including the previously neutral Switzerland coming out of retirement/gold hoarding to morph into Taiwan for one last hurrah, and getting run just as quickly, Japan eventually toppled the German dynasty. UP WITH PATRIOTISM! DOWN WITH KRAUT! UP WITH PEOPLE! DOWN WITH PANTS! Shortly after neutralizing the terrorist threat known as Michael, we all broke into someone's house across the street to watch some fireworks from their backyard. We didn't really break in, but if you were watching from a nearby house, you'd think we were. Good times. Perception is key. After some ironically themed songs like "Born In The USA" played to the booms and bangs of the fireworks, we headed off for the night. While China enjoys a good BBQ, it doesn't like traffic. Only took me 20 minutes to get home, so that was cool. Another joyous 4th of July in the books!

Television News: When I referenced this in passing to Andrew earlier today, he turned his head up from his beef & broccoli to say, simply, "don't." He knew what I was going to say, and allowed me to save my breath (and my fingers) for this update. Thanks yo.

Dr. Phil.

For the eight of you who haven't seen this walking verbal ejaculator on Oprah or some other 12-step therapyfest, he's a guy who gives advice to people, usually along a hardline approach, favoring women leaving men for just about anything, and men being these defective object that need a major overhaul. Needless to say, he's a huge hit on Oprah, and for that whole crowd, who wouldn't know what to read (or how?) unless a person on television recommended it, and wouldn't know how to progress in a relationship unless some person who's spoken to them for just a few minutes makes a character assessment about their situation, then decides to give them advice that, given the reputation he's developed on the show, they're most likely to follow to a tee. If all this wasn't bad and dangerous enough, some geniuses have thought 'hey, let's give Dr. Phil his own show, because that way he can make rough evaluations on even more people in a short amount of time! Better yet, in the promos for the show, let's have him walk around a freakin mall, so his followers can stroke his ego or whatever else they want to in the privacy of a Cinnabun! Hell, while we're at it, let's run these promos starting over two months before the show premieres! Can't get enough Phil! Got your fill of Phil? Well, you can get it five times a week starting September 16th! "Fill of Phil," someone write that gem down! I'm on a roll!' So, each and every day while I'm trying to both inform myself and ogle Angie Lee on the Channel 8 news, I'm subjected to Dr. Phil walking through a mall, where he says "I love to talk to people." I don't know if that's the exact quote, and because it's 4 AM I don't particularly care, but whatever he says is spoken as if to say 'I love to hear myself speak, and I love to hear people come up to me and stroke my ego and whatever else they want to in the privacy of a Cinnabun.' You see these women walk up to him and go "you made me change my life, leave the relationship I was in, thank you so much." Now, I must ask...aren't there bigger issues at hand than your relationship with your significant other when a doctor on television drives you to make a change? How do you compete with that?

Dolt: "I have to go my own way, I've been thinking things over, and today on Oprah they had Doctor Phil on there. He made some really great points, I felt like he was speaking right to ME. I know this is - hello? HEY! (snaps fingers) Are you even listening to me?"

Clueless guy: (kinda mumbling) "You can go your own way, go your own way...you can call it another lonely day...you can go your own way..."

Dolt: "HELLO???"

Clueless guy: "What? Oh, you said 'go my own way,' and I was just thinking about that that Fleetwood Mac song, and that scene in Forrest Gump where Forrest is running after Jenny dies, and he's running through this overcast area, down a long highway, that was so sad...I don't know of any sadder point in any movie...it's amazing how things on the tv can make ya feel all, y'know, jeez, is it dusty in here or something? My eyes are waterin' or something. I think it's dusty, I need a tissue."

Dolt: "Wow, maybe Dr. Phil was wrong, you ARE emotionally available to me!"

Clueless guy: "I'm what now? da duh duh bum you can go your own What am I now?"

So, I imagine there's going to be a lot of conversations like that, but not quite as interesting. And probably with a few less Fleetwood Mac references. Couldn't they just air another rerun of COPS? At least the abuse on there is physical! Zing!

Okay, I'm out. There's two topics I didn't even touch that I really want to, but I'll get to them soon enough.

Let me take this moment to remind you that, should you decide to respond to anything you've read above, click on the link immediately following the Quote Of The Day. If all goes as planned, a popup box will appear, giving you the chance to drop a comment or two for everyone to see, just like on LiveJournal or a similar service. You wanted it, you got it (now that I found a service that provides such an option)!

-b!

Now Playing: John Butler Trio - Don't Understand (5.5.02)

Quote Of The Day:
(On a John Butler Trio bootleg)
girl1: "sweet! yes!"
girl2: "you know this song?"
girl1: "no...he's using a standup [bass]!"
girl2: "oh, sweet!"

5/23/02. Crazy, But That's How It Goes. Hello one and all, I am back in the US of A and I am in full effect. I am now a college graduate from the Pennsylvania State University. WooHoo! Now I can smack people upside their head with my diploma or hang it on the wall . 4 years of hard work, dedication and money and I have a piece of paper I need to buy a frame for. Does it seem like they owe me more than just a piece of paper? I would settle for a parade in my honor. Or maybe purging some infidels in my honor.

Okay so I went to Egypt, as most of you already know. I could bore you with a slide show and a whole spiel about the upper and lower kingdoms of Egypt but I won't. Instead I will tell you what you want to hear. The crazy stories that you the public want to hear. First of we were on the airplane to Italy and sitting across the aisle from me was this elderly woman who was in some serious trouble. I see her struggling from the corner of my eye. I try to avoid looking at a situation like this because there will be reactions by me that may make the next 8 hours on the plane hard to get through. Finally my need to know forced me too look at this scene. This old woman was having a hell of a time with the seat belt. Was the strap too short? No. Was the buckle bent prohibiting proper use? No. So what was the problem? She could not figure out where to put them together. I watched for about 4-5 minutes while this old lady tried pitting the seatbelt connector in the wrong part of its docking mechanism. Now for those who don't know. The seatbelts used on planes are very similar to those used in cars and any other restraint needed contraptions. So as I look she is getting really angry at the belt. Finally she hits the stewardess button above her seat. The stewardess comes and kindly shows this woman how a seatbelt works. Now it may not seem so bad to many of you but to me I am always amazed at people who cant deal well with technology and get frustrated quickly, plus the fact it's a seat belt makes it even funnier.

There is a chain of hamburger restaurants in Cairo called "Hardee's" like we have in America however they use the Carl's Jr logo!!!!! hmmmmmmm.

Check out Brads website, its like where you want to be while you have your clothes on.